This post isn't about anything on me and Queeny. It's about me. And the day I spent alone. And the thoughts I had. I started off looking forward to today, looking to see Queeny, but she couldn't make it cos she had no money. Anyways, I offered to pay for her but she refused to, so I just let it be. Went to school in the morning, went to have a meeting with my teachers about my progress in school. They were concerned about my productiveness and asked why I seemed to have given up. The fact was, I actually had already given up. Losing interest was just one of the points but I just knew the reason was that I had lost confidence in myself. I no longer had the mindset to focus on my studies. They asked my about the business I started and whether I was in any financial need. I told them I wasn't. I told them that judging by the way things were, I wasn't going to poly and I knew I couldn't make it even if I tried. So my work now was actually for saving up to further pursue my studies in the course of my choice in a private institute of learning. I don't want to keep relying on my parents. I'm not a small kid anymore. For once, I'm going to do what I really want to do. And with my own resources. And speaking of parents, hais. Don't understand them. I don't do anything they nag. Do thing also nag. Hais. I just want to help out, like that also wrong ma? Dad, don't tell me what I can do and what I can't. Don't tell me things about doing business. I can tell you I know more than you. Your business managment style is screwed up. It's not for the market nowadays. Don't tell me I'm too impulsive and hot headed, in the business world, one has got to take calculated risks at times to gain. But I understand your concern, Dad. And I appreciate it. Anyways, I've written a few lines for the people I want to talk to the most below. And everything I said, I mean it.
To my parents : Dad and Mum, I know I've been a pain in the ass and causing you endless trouble, but for once, please trust me and try to understand that what I'm doing is for everyone's good. I just want to help out. I don't want to see us in this state anymore. I'm sick and tired of this shit and I hate to see you argue over financial matters. All I ever wanted is to just give you a better life and I really hope you'll trust me and give me your support. I'm a big boy now, I know what I'm doing. I'm sorry if I'm a bad son and always shout at you and cause havoc in the house, but I really love you so much mom and dad.
To Queeny : Baby, I miss you and I love you so much. Every minute I'm thinking of you, wondering what you're doing, whether you've eaten and whether you're tired at work or bored. You may think you're old enough to care for yourself but the fact of the matter is you're still very innocent at certain things. I'm not saying being nice and simple minded is a bad thing but times have changed. Innocence is almost extinct. People are not so simple nowadays. I'm really scared others will bully you and take advantage of you. You always say 'I'm a gangster and little little bit want call gang come down and fight' but seriously, you've got to start being firm and start learning how to fight for yourself and say 'no.' Don't always give in to people. You'll only make yourself an easy target and people will start to take advantage of you. And it has already been done. You know what I mean. And stop being pessimistic and thinking of things that won't happen. You know how much I just want to smack you on the head whenever you send me emo messages? Why can't you just not care so much and focus more on our relationship and yourself? Why must you always go care about what people say about you? You don't owe them a living so why must you answer to them? Whatever you do, you always think what others will say. Please la, for God's sake, don't give a fuck about them. Just write what you want to write, do what you want to do. Why care so much about others? Why can't you be more like me? Learn to put yourself first over anything or anyone else. It's not called being selfish. It's called being smart. There's really times I really feel like fucking you upside down, and probably this is one of those times, but deep down, no matter what, I still love you so much.
To Brendon : God.....what am I to do with you? Seriously. I probably haven't gotten so mad at a person in my life before and congrats, you're the first. Anyways, I really don't want to care already. I just give up on you. Your matter with Queeny....you know what you did...if really there is, go do something about it. Stop dragging it on. You're only making things miserable for everyone. I seriously feel like personally screwing your sorry ass but then again, I can't be bothered to waste my time anymore. I have better things to do. Your matter with Queeny, pls be a man and go settle everything once and for all. I've enough of this nonsense. And stop trying to stalk my fb la...you can't see it no matter how you try. And sending in spies is useless, I've deleted everyone who is a friend with you off my fb. Just go get a life man. There's so many other girls out there. Stop disturbing mine. I'm already being very tolerant already. So I just nicely ask of you to stop intervening in my life and causing a fucking distress to me. Thank you very much.
To Jake : Thanks bro for all your help and advice. Really appreaciate it. You asked me again last night if I didn't want to join you guys back and I turned you down. I already made up my mind. If you still see me as a bro, we'll just be normal bros, I don't want to have anything to do with the gang anymore. I just hope you understand. There's many other capable guys in the gang besides me, it's just that you haven't realised it. I'm not indispensable. No one is. I just wish you all the best in your life and hope that the next time we meet, we're just like the way we were, just without all the gang stuff.
So that's about it. All my thoughts I had when wandering about aimlessly today. Got a slight headache but after taking medicine and a rest, I feel better now. Maybe I'll just go out for another walk. Today really was thoughtful. It's not always I get to spend time alone but today, today was good. Seriously.
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