Storm's over....at long last.

I tried again. I did my best. And I overcame the odds. I really was so worried I would lose her. I did everything I could, and finally by the Grace of God, she's mine again. But really, I just want to thank my baby for not giving up and treasuring this relationship so much. Really thanks for today. So happy. I love you so much baby. I really do. I'm never going to let you go again. Never ever again. You're mine forever. Muacks :)

Conte Partiro

This is probably the last post I'll be writing. I'm really hurting so much. All I wanted was for someone to love me, care about me, and let me love and care about her in return. I just failed at this. I'm just a loser. If were never meant to be together, if you never had any intention of staying with me forever, why did you agree to be with me in the first place? Why give me false hopes? You chose to be with me, means that you gave us this chance to be together. I was so happy. Overjoyed that you are mine. I got my hopes up. I believed in you. I trusted that our r/s was so strong that nothing could break us. Now that I've fallen, I really am hurt so much. The pain in me, is so hurting, I just want it to stop. I want to love you. It's as simple as that. Why can't you let me? There is nothing that made me so happy as being with you and now that you're gone, I'm left with nothing. You were my everything, my hope, my strength, my love. And now that you're gone, I just feel that everything in my life is over. Life now has no more meaning left for me. It's time I said goodbye.
To my 2 great bros, Alex and Zhong Han. Thanks for the encouragement but unfortuantely, I'm not as strong as you think I am. And dad and mum, I love you. Sorry for being such a bad son. I know I always bring to you sadness and pain. If I could turn back time, I would change everything. But it's alr too late. I'm so sorry. I really am.

Probably the most true to heart, soulful and thought provoking post ever written Part 3

Dear, I miss you so much....hubby really worry so much about you and love you so much. Don't sad anymore ok? Cheer up can? Hubby really hate to see you sad. Hubby is missing the times we spent together, when we go out together, watch movie together, eat together...really missing it. And really wanting so much to go out with you again soon. Baby must eat ok? And takcare of yourself at work. I love you so much. Muacks.

Probably the most true to heart, soulful and thought provoking post ever written Part 2

About me

I was born in Indonesia, May 20th, 1992. That was when my parents were having their honeymoon and I came out into this world. My birth was a joy to my parents who had been hoping for a son and soon after, my parents brought me back to Hong Kong and my relatives flocked around me, all commenting on how cute I was and predicting that I would have a bright future and all the nonsense just to get into my parent's good books.We were rich at that time and everyone wanted to get close to us to share the glory and limelight. My sis came into my life the next year and soon after, my dad took his business to Singapore and we migrated over here where I found myself in a whole new environment. My paternal grandmother bought a house at Ming Teck Park for my dad and we hired a domestic helper. She was a fantastic person, while living with us, she learned to speak Chinese, watched chinese shows with us and even learnt abit of Cantonese from my mum. When my parents went out, she would watch the chinese shows on their behalf and when they returned, tell them what happened in that night's episodes. Sadly, after 3 years, she left us and returned to Jakarta and we employed another domestic helper. We also shifted house to Toh Tuck Crescent. A change of environment was a new experience for me and it was the first time my parents let me and my own room and sleep alone. It was exciting. That time, my dad's business was prospering and he bought himself a Mercedes. The number plate, if I didn't remember wrongly, was SBH 7851 H. We also went on a tour to United Kingdom to visit an aunt who migrated there. After that, we went on to France and Switzerland. It was a great trip but me being young at that time, I didn't really remember much. However, sadly, that house wasn't exactly 'clean'. Apparently, both my parents and the domestic helper swore they had seen, at the corner of their eye, 'something'. They also felt that they were being watched or followed whenever they used the stairs. Anyways, we stayed there till I had finished Kindergarten  at Thompson Road Baptist Kindegarten. Also, I was a buddhist before that but after joining the Kindergarten, I became a Christian. Also, that time, it was the ecomomical crisis of 1997 and stock prices were falling everywhere. My dad burnt his hands in the stock and had to recoup his losses. He sold the house to another family at a price of $890 000, a great deal considering housing prices for that time were sky high and it was fully furnished. We found our new home at Symphony Heights, #03-08. It was the first time I stayed in a condominium, as I had always stayed in private properties. Then somehow, I couldn't remeber the details clearly but business wasn't good and the company went bankrupt. The banks that used to court my dad suddenly sensed things were amiss and started chasing him for their money back. We totalled up a debt of half a million. It was disaster. Things had to change. The condo had to go. The car had to go. All the extra classes cancelled. No more dining at restaurants on weekends. My dad had to go and work for someone else. My happy and secure world suddenly had a big whole ripped through it. On the last night before we shifted house, I didn't sleep. I lay awake and stared out as the torrential rain lashed mercilessly against the large windows. I was dry inside but deep down, I felt like the weather outside. I felt myself falling into a bottomless pit, with the weight of the entire ocean crushing down on me. I didn't know how long I stayed awake, but soon I felt myself drifting into a dreamless sleep.
Life was a nightmare. We shifted into a 4 room HBD at Dover Road, one of the primary reasons being that it was just across Anglo Chinese School (Independent), a school that my parents wished I would go to after finishing my primary schooling at Angle Chinese School (Junior). Also, they hoped that I could go into Anglo Chinese Junior College (ACJC) which was also located at Dover. They had planned out everything for me. Everything they did, they always took me into consideration. But things, unfortunately didn't turn out that way. After experiencing such a drastic change in my life, I felt tired of everything. I didn;t see the point of studying anymore. From a top student in my primary school, my results dropped drastically and I ended up in the lower end classes. However, my teacher was a great man, he kept encouraging us not to give up on ourselves, and in the end, 11 people in the class got a cut off point of 235 and made it to ACS Independent, a great acheivement taking into consideration that this was a lower end class. However, I was not one of the 11. My PSLE agregate was a terrible 197. By the Grace of God, I was accepted into the other brother school, Anglo Chinese School (Barker Road). Everything was okay in the start but gradually, I lost interest in studying and hope in Life and in Sec 3, I was transferred to a Normal Acad stream. I made new friends. And these guys were really cool. With them, I always came late and walked into the class as though we owned the place. We ate and drank and played PSP during lesson times. We went for extended recess periods. We used vulgarities like no ones business and no one dared to stop us. It was cool. For once, I felt alive again. On weekends, we would go to Karaoke ventures, arcade centres, LAN shops and it was then I met Jake. He was everything I wanted to be. Cool, handsome, rich, and with a group of guys following him. I made friends with him and it was then I started smoking, drinking, getting into fights and returning home late at night. My grades in school went from bad to worse. And when repeated warnings, scoldings and house visits did nothing to change me, my teachers gave up. But my parents perservered. They believed I was still the boy I used to be. Then I got into a gang fight at Dhoby Ghaut and it became a police case. I would always remember the devastated look on my dad's face went he to pick me up at the police station. He never said a word to me on the way back home and from that day onwards, they gave up on me. And it was then also, I gave up on myself. My life consisted of my brothers, the arcades, pool, karaoke, movies, smoking, fights and vulgarities. Life sucked. Then my paternal grandmother passed away. It was the first time I saw my dad cry. "Ma! Ma!" This scene would be etched forever in my memory. And after that, my dad's life just consisted of Work, home. Work, home. My parents always quarrelled over money matters. And I would shut the door and blast music into my ears or go out with my brothers. At the end of Secondary school, I went to ITE. And that was it. That was my life. Fucked up. Then when I was 17. I met this girl. Queeny Koh Xin Wen. She was kind, helpful, caring. Everything I used to be in the past. After some time, we got together and became a couple. It was happy, it was fun. She was the only person I ever fell so crazy about. Because of her, I turned down my brothers. She didn't like me to be a gangster and go fighting cos it made her worry, I agreed. I talked to Jake. Then I left the gang. I loved life with her. It was so happy, so innocent. So nice. No more fighting, smoking and all the bad things from my past. She told me about her past too. We shared stories whenever we went out and talked about past experiences while laying down at looking at stars in the night sky on the roof of Vivocity. My life was perfect. Then the first bombshell came when she told me that she had done something wrong with another friend. I wasn't mad went I heard this. Well, we all make mistakes. To err is Human, to forgive is Divine. So I forgave her and forgot about this incident. I didn;t hold any grudges against that guy as it wasn't completely his fault. Yes, I was abit mad at him and was tempted to call upon Jake to teach him a lesson, but Queeny persuaded me and made me promise not to. So I didn't. It was partly my fault anyway, being my first time in love, I probably didn't show her enough love while the other guy cared alot about her. So I decided to improve. I made changes. And during Christmas, I bought her her dream present. The 32gb iTouch. The money was saved for my driving license but I decided that she was more important and didn't hesitate to get it for her. She was so happy and deep inside, I felt super happy too. Over time, our love grew stronger and stronger and I felt that nothing could tear us apart until she committed the same mistake again. I actaully expected it. I could tell by the guilt in her voice that gave her away. So I called two of my best friends down with me. And this time, I saw it personally with my eyes. I didn't know what stopped me from pulling out the knife from my back pocket and stabbing it into the guy but I supposed I was just too hurt to do anything. Really wonder how did she feel when she touched him and knowing that I trust her. And did she think of me when he fucked her. I didn't know. I was devastated. Later that night, we talked about it and I again gave her another chance. Jake laughed at me, calling me a 'fucking stupid asshole' but I didn't care. I loved her and was willing to give her another chance again and didn't care what others thought. During our half month anniversary, I bought her a custom made necklace with our picture engraved on it, as I hoped she would always think of me whenever she wore it. I loved to see her wear it. Then came my 18th birthday and we celebrated it together with my parents. We then went for a movie afterwards and the rest is history. I really just love her so much. Then last night, we quarrelled again. And it was probably the most emotional quarrel I ever got into. I spilled out everything. I couldn't contain it anymore. I wanted to let her know how much she meant to me, and how much I loved her. I hugged her and cried. I didn't care if others were looking at me. I just cried. Later that night I didn't sleep. I just couldn't. I kept thinking of her. And missing her. And I wondered if she was thinking of me. To be continued....

Probably the most true to heart, soulful and thought provoking post ever written Part 1

Disclaimer: This is a long post. Very long post. In this post, you will see the truth about me. The truth about everything. Here it begins:

So here we are again. Another quarrel. You probably didn't count, but this is the 12th time we've quarrelled within 7 months. And the first time I ever got so emotional. You promised you would forget about everything about the past, I was so happy. But the happiness was short lived, because deep down in me, I know that would never happen. And true enough, you thought about him again. I expected it, so I talked to you. I would give you a year to forget, I wouldn't mind. I would be there by your side to support you and give you strength. But it's only words. Everything is easier said than done. Alone at times, I can't help but let the hint of jealousy creep into my mind. There's just this voice in my head saying 'What if she can't let go? What if she rather choose to hold on to him and dwell in the past and give you up?' And to make matters worse, 'What if all along, she just took you for a replacement?' I didn't belive any of it. Didn't want to. Cos I knew our love was strong and true. But sometimes, when I read your Facebook posts and you talk about him, I just can't help but give in abit to that voice in my head. I hate myself for this. As your man, I'm supposed to be understanding, to talk to you, comfort you and persuade you to let go. Yet somehow, I just feel that...hais....there's this small space in your heart that will have him forever. It's been 7 months. I really did try my best to be everything that you wanted in a boyfriend. I just loved it when I hear you laugh happily, see you smile, hold me and hug me, they just make me feel that the hard work I've put in is rewarded and that I'm being loved whole-heartedly by someone. Your kiss, your touch, whenever we get intimate, it just makes me feel so blessed, and during these times, it's as though the world consists of just you and me. Time stands still, Heaven and Earth fades away, all that matters most is you and me. The only thing truly alive and bursting with energy. With you by my side, I feel that my life is beautiful. And I really am enjoying the feeling of falling in love all up to the point when the bombshell breaks and we fall out. My world starts falling down. The pillars of defences I built up with you over the months start crumbling down. And soon, I find myself starting to rack my brains for ways to make you stay and build those pillars up again. You're just too important to me, too precious to me that I can never lose you. You think guys are all very manly and strong willed but the truth is, we get more easily jealous than you girls, it's just that we don't want to show it. I get jealous whenever you talk about other guys or when you look at other guys. I just worry that one day you'll get tired of me and just let go. You always ask me why I want to meet you everyday. I tell you I miss you, but that is only a part of it. The other reason is that I treasure every day, every moment that you're with me. Everytime you hold my hand, I just don't want to let go cos I'm scared that if I let go, I may never be able to catch it back to hold again. Everytime I send you back, I stay as long as possible cos I'm worried that our tomorrow may never come and this is the last time I see you. I really love you so much. I hate quarrelling with you, I hate seeing you sad and I hate to see you cry. It just breaks my heart and I start bleeding inside. I just feel so fucked up and start hating everything about myself. Really. Sometimes I just wish I could kill myself. Maybe it's better for everyone. But I just can't let go of you. I don't want to lose you. I hate the thought of losing you forever. I was suicidal in the past, I have been sent to see the psychologist during secondary school, they claimed that they have my situation under control, but I know they just haven't. Everytime we quarrel, my insides hurt so much. I can feel it bleeding. You're my everything. Without you, I have nothing. And yet you push me away when I needed you the most. The feeling of hurt and pain is really terrible. And then I feel unwanted and unloved by everyone. And then I think there's no point in living anymore. And that's when I get suicidal. I really am hurting so much on the inside. I can't stand the pain, yet I can't make it go away and the person I want most in my life, you, is not by my side.  To be continued...

Short updates...7 month anniversary and my 18 th birthday

Wow...lots of things have gone by...me and my baby laopo's 7th month anniversary, my 18th birthday, etc. Really had a fun birthday! Surprised my silly girl my taking her to dinner with my parents on my b'dae. The silly girl was so shy that she kept super quiet throughout the entire night during the dinner. Anyways, she got me a nice cake, a beautiful necklace, a cute little soft toy doggy and treated me to a movie after dinner! Really super happy that I could spend such a memorable and special day with her! Thanks baby! I love you so much. Pictures can be seen on my fb, so do check them out and give comments yea! During these 7 months, I really feel that my relationship is progressing and getting better and better with each passing day. We're really so strong now, and I'm happy for that. I really am. Thanks baby for being with me and sticking by me all these while. You're really God's greatest gift to me! I love you so much baby! Muacks :)

Happy Mother's Day to all mums!

Happy Mother's Day to all out there! Thanks for your love and care and guidance to us all these years! Hope you all enjoy this very special day dedicated to you and whatever your family has in store prepared for you! Haha! Anyways, I shall be meeting my baby later and go out..(no, we're not celebrating Mother's Day even though my baby claims she is a mum and has my baby) we're just going out for a simple date, that's all. Missed going out with her as she was tied up at work the last week and me with schoolwork. But happily, today we can meet up and have fun (no..not that kind of fun, people...I know what you're thinking) It's just a date. What can happen? Hahaha. *evil laughs* Anyways, gotta go now. Till next time, folks! And wishing all mums once again a very Happy Mother's Day! God bless!

Alone again...naturally. No wait!! There's WAAAASABEH!!!!

Didn't see my baby for today...started missing her ever since we parted at last night's outing...real fun it was. And I got aimed for NO reason at all. Zzzz!!! Anyways...my baby felt tired today so she wanted to stay at home instead of meeting so I planned to actually spend the day after sch to train my newly accquired pride and joy, a silver Nissan GTR, at City Sq Mall located in Farrer Park. But alas! I forgotten that I had passed the car over to my gf so apparently, I couldn't train it today. So I asked Queeny to help train it for me, as she was rather free during work times. She agreed, with a bit of persuasion, and so I spent yet another day alone again. Sobsob :'( Anyways, didn't do much...amused myself at the hilarious clips of "Annonying Orange" on Youtube (Shit! I'm catching on the Youtube addiction virus from my baby) and spent time laughing at the way Annoying Orange said "Wasabi". In the end, I got so tempted by "Waaaasabeh!!" that I made my parents bring me to eat sushi. Snapped a few shots of the sushi and of course, the " Waaaasabeh!!" Ended up with my stomach filled with sushi, wasabi and coke and here I am, writing this new post as I wait for my baby to finish sorting her photo album and sign in online to msn. Till next time, folks! See ya!

Voices and thoughts in my head

This post isn't about anything on me and Queeny. It's about me. And the day I spent alone. And the thoughts I had. I started off looking forward to today, looking to see Queeny, but she couldn't make it cos she had no money. Anyways, I offered to pay for her but she refused to, so I just let it be. Went to school in the morning, went to have a meeting with my teachers about my progress in school. They were concerned about my productiveness and asked why I seemed to have given up. The fact was, I actually had already given up. Losing interest was just one of the points but I just knew the reason was that I had lost confidence in myself. I no longer had the mindset to focus on my studies. They asked my about the business I started and whether I was in any financial need. I told them I wasn't. I told them that judging by the way things were, I wasn't going to poly and I knew I couldn't make it even if I tried. So my work now was actually for saving up to further pursue my studies in the course of my choice in a private institute of learning. I don't want to keep relying on my parents. I'm not a small kid anymore. For once, I'm going to do what I really want to do. And with my own resources. And speaking of parents, hais. Don't understand them. I don't do anything they nag. Do thing also nag. Hais. I just want to help out, like that also wrong ma? Dad, don't tell me what I can do and what I can't. Don't tell me things about doing business. I can tell you I know more than you. Your business managment style is screwed up. It's not for the market nowadays. Don't tell me I'm too impulsive and hot headed, in the business world, one has got to take calculated risks at times to gain. But I understand your concern, Dad. And I appreciate it. Anyways, I've written a few lines for the people I want to talk to the most below. And everything I said, I mean it.
To my parents : Dad and Mum, I know I've been a pain in the ass and causing you endless trouble, but for once, please trust me and try to understand that what I'm doing is for everyone's good. I just want to help out. I don't want to see us in this state anymore. I'm sick and tired of this shit and I hate to see you argue over financial matters. All I ever wanted is to just give you a better life and I really hope you'll trust me and give me your support. I'm a big boy now, I know what I'm doing. I'm sorry if I'm a bad son and always shout at you and cause havoc in the house, but I really love you so much mom and dad.
To Queeny : Baby, I miss you and I love you so much. Every minute I'm thinking of you, wondering what you're doing, whether you've eaten and whether you're tired at work or bored. You may think you're old enough to care for yourself but the fact of the matter is you're still very innocent at certain things. I'm not saying being nice and simple minded is a bad thing but times have changed. Innocence is almost extinct. People are not so simple nowadays. I'm really scared others will bully you and take advantage of you. You always say 'I'm a gangster and little little bit want call gang come down and fight' but seriously, you've got to start being firm and start learning how to fight for yourself and say 'no.' Don't always give in to people. You'll only make yourself an easy target and people will start to take advantage of you. And it has already been done. You know what I mean. And stop being pessimistic and thinking of things that won't happen. You know how much I just want to smack you on the head whenever you send me emo messages? Why can't you just not care so much and focus more on our relationship and yourself? Why must you always go care about what people say about you? You don't owe them a living so why must you answer to them? Whatever you do, you always think what others will say. Please la, for God's sake, don't give a fuck about them. Just write what you want to write, do what you want to do. Why care so much about others? Why can't you be more like me? Learn to put yourself first over anything or anyone else. It's not called being selfish. It's called being smart. There's really times I really feel like fucking you upside down, and probably this is one of those times, but deep down, no matter what, I still love you so much.
To Brendon : God.....what am I to do with you? Seriously. I probably haven't gotten so mad at a person in my life before and congrats, you're the first. Anyways, I really don't want to care already. I just give up on you. Your matter with Queeny....you know what you did...if really there is, go do something about it. Stop dragging it on. You're only making things miserable for everyone. I seriously feel like personally screwing your sorry ass but then again, I can't be bothered to waste my time anymore. I have better things to do. Your matter with Queeny, pls be a man and go settle everything once and for all. I've enough of this nonsense. And stop trying to stalk my fb la...you can't see it no matter how you try. And sending in spies is useless, I've deleted everyone who is a friend with you off my fb. Just go get a life man. There's so many other girls out there. Stop disturbing mine. I'm already being very tolerant already. So I just nicely ask of you to stop intervening in my life and causing a fucking distress to me. Thank you very much.
To Jake : Thanks bro for all your help and advice. Really appreaciate it. You asked me again last night if I didn't want to join you guys back and I turned you down. I already made up my mind. If you still see me as a bro, we'll just be normal bros, I don't want to have anything to do with the gang anymore. I just hope you understand. There's many other capable guys in the gang besides me, it's just that you haven't realised it. I'm not indispensable. No one is. I just wish you all the best in your life and hope that the next time we meet, we're just like the way we were, just without all the gang stuff.
So that's about it. All my thoughts I had when wandering about aimlessly today. Got a slight headache but after taking medicine and a rest, I feel better now. Maybe I'll just go out for another walk. Today really was thoughtful. It's not always I get to spend time alone but today, today was good. Seriously.