Disclaimer: This is a long post. Very long post. In this post, you will see the truth about me. The truth about everything. Here it begins:
So here we are again. Another quarrel. You probably didn't count, but this is the 12th time we've quarrelled within 7 months. And the first time I ever got so emotional. You promised you would forget about everything about the past, I was so happy. But the happiness was short lived, because deep down in me, I know that would never happen. And true enough, you thought about him again. I expected it, so I talked to you. I would give you a year to forget, I wouldn't mind. I would be there by your side to support you and give you strength. But it's only words. Everything is easier said than done. Alone at times, I can't help but let the hint of jealousy creep into my mind. There's just this voice in my head saying 'What if she can't let go? What if she rather choose to hold on to him and dwell in the past and give you up?' And to make matters worse, 'What if all along, she just took you for a replacement?' I didn't belive any of it. Didn't want to. Cos I knew our love was strong and true. But sometimes, when I read your Facebook posts and you talk about him, I just can't help but give in abit to that voice in my head. I hate myself for this. As your man, I'm supposed to be understanding, to talk to you, comfort you and persuade you to let go. Yet somehow, I just feel that...hais....there's this small space in your heart that will have him forever. It's been 7 months. I really did try my best to be everything that you wanted in a boyfriend. I just loved it when I hear you laugh happily, see you smile, hold me and hug me, they just make me feel that the hard work I've put in is rewarded and that I'm being loved whole-heartedly by someone. Your kiss, your touch, whenever we get intimate, it just makes me feel so blessed, and during these times, it's as though the world consists of just you and me. Time stands still, Heaven and Earth fades away, all that matters most is you and me. The only thing truly alive and bursting with energy. With you by my side, I feel that my life is beautiful. And I really am enjoying the feeling of falling in love all up to the point when the bombshell breaks and we fall out. My world starts falling down. The pillars of defences I built up with you over the months start crumbling down. And soon, I find myself starting to rack my brains for ways to make you stay and build those pillars up again. You're just too important to me, too precious to me that I can never lose you. You think guys are all very manly and strong willed but the truth is, we get more easily jealous than you girls, it's just that we don't want to show it. I get jealous whenever you talk about other guys or when you look at other guys. I just worry that one day you'll get tired of me and just let go. You always ask me why I want to meet you everyday. I tell you I miss you, but that is only a part of it. The other reason is that I treasure every day, every moment that you're with me. Everytime you hold my hand, I just don't want to let go cos I'm scared that if I let go, I may never be able to catch it back to hold again. Everytime I send you back, I stay as long as possible cos I'm worried that our tomorrow may never come and this is the last time I see you. I really love you so much. I hate quarrelling with you, I hate seeing you sad and I hate to see you cry. It just breaks my heart and I start bleeding inside. I just feel so fucked up and start hating everything about myself. Really. Sometimes I just wish I could kill myself. Maybe it's better for everyone. But I just can't let go of you. I don't want to lose you. I hate the thought of losing you forever. I was suicidal in the past, I have been sent to see the psychologist during secondary school, they claimed that they have my situation under control, but I know they just haven't. Everytime we quarrel, my insides hurt so much. I can feel it bleeding. You're my everything. Without you, I have nothing. And yet you push me away when I needed you the most. The feeling of hurt and pain is really terrible. And then I feel unwanted and unloved by everyone. And then I think there's no point in living anymore. And that's when I get suicidal. I really am hurting so much on the inside. I can't stand the pain, yet I can't make it go away and the person I want most in my life, you, is not by my side. To be continued...
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