Random Thoughts

My dear Gu Gu, so now that you know everything about me, what do you think of me? Perhaps you never expected this. But I'm doing what I do now in the hope of having a happier, better future together with you.
Yes, I'm not rich. I stay in a 4 room HBD flat. My dad drives the company's car. I work in jobs that most people would shun. But I have always loved you. Truly, madly, deeply. I always fear that one day you'll leave me to go for someone else. The scar on my neck, its caused by a bottle smashed against my shoulder.
My arm injury, caused by a chair swung at me. I lied to you that I fell down cause I didn't want you to worry. I don't want to see you worry or unhappy. I want to see you smile. Forever.
Yes, I might not be a good person. My dad always said a person has to be upright, honest and kind and help people in need. Yes, that probably was true in the 19th Century. Times have changed. This is the 21st. People aren't as nice as before. The values my dad always practised. Where has it got him to? Nowhere. He's just a partner in a small business that consists of 10 ppl. He has worked tirelessly, endlessly, everyday without fail, and he takes home just enough money to put the family through the month. For my dad, his life consists of work, home, work, home. Nth else. He works hard, but he takes home a meagre sum of money back. His partner, on the other hand, sits there reading comics or plays with the laptop, takes home abt 10k per month. DOING NOTHING! It's bloody not fair. Well, Life isn't fair anyways.
I really pity my dad, yet I can't help thinking that all his principles are stupid and unrealistic. When his business failed in the past, all the people he helped before, all the friends who went out with him every weekend, all disappeared. My dad was left on his own. That was the first time I saw my dad cry, alone at the balcony of our Bukit Timah bungalow while smoking a cigarette. I wanted so much to go up to hug him, (I was only 9, around that time) to tell him not to worry. But I don't know why I didn't. But that night, something changed in me. I learnt that no matter how many friends you have, how many "brothers" who swear they will stand by you through thick and thin, it's all bullshit. When the going gets though, everyone can't wait to run away and leave you to fend for yourself.
It's the same with gangs. All the talk about 'brotherhood', it's just not happening anymore. If anything screws up, everyone runs their own way, eager to save their own skin while leaving you to die. Yes, I know because it happened to me. I got beaten, got smashed with chairs, got kicked, and the 'brothers' who claimed to be there for you no matter what, not one was to be seen. I'm not blaming anyone. I chose this road. I should be prepared for this sort of shit happening to me. But Gu Gu, I don't want you to worry about me. No matter what.
Yes, you may say I'm foolish. You may say I'm moneyminded. You may say I'm evil. Call me whatever you want. I know what I'm doing. You always say I hide from you alot of things, but I don't mean to hide from you. I just don't want you to worry so much. You have enough things on your mind to take care of. You have problems at work, problems at home, everytime you send me smses telling me about the problems you face, I feel so helpless cause I don't know how to help you out without resorting to underhand tatics or violence. Your sms you sent, you said you love me very much, but if you can't take it, you will just leave. I really, at that time wanted to tell you to go if you really wanted to. Even though I love you so much, I really can't stand to see you suffering in pain anymore. Loving you make you suffer so much and put you in so much pain. This isn't called love anymore. It's torture. Hais. Sometimes late at night, I stay up and think about you. Actually, there's not a minute when you're not in my mind but sometimes, I read all your smses, and I feel sad. So much has changed within a few months. Even us. You should have noticed by now. Something is missing from our relationship. We don't seem as sweet as we used to be in the past. I really want to go back to what we used to be in the past. When our world consisted of just you and me. Before everyone else came in. Before everything changed.
I still think about the first time I asked you to be my gf at Marina Bay, and after that we would always hang out at Marina Square, watching movies, playing arcade, and even bowling. Then we would go to buy ice cream to eat and walk to Marina Bay and look as the sun set. Whatever happened to those times? Are they now, just a set of beautiful memories to be remembered or can it still come alive again in the near future? I really don't know. So much has changed. Even you seem to change. I know I have changed. Is it possible, even if it was just for one day, that everything could go back to when we just started...I would gladly give half my life to exchange for that one single day and pray that, by the will of God, that it can last forever.
But no matter what, Queeny Koh Xin Wen, I love you. Always and forever. 1314. 7758.